Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Sleep Regression, A Joyous Day, and Perfect Pressure

Time is really sneaking away from me, I missed last weeks check in- whoops! Over the last week, a few big things have changed for Rafe, and consequently his parents! Rafe is rolling all around in his crib at night. Which is good because he can put himself into more comfortable sleeping positions. It's bad because he can't always right himself, which means he frequently calls for help. We hit the four month sleep regression. The last week was a little bit rough. He is also extra attached to his paci. He can almost almost get it into his mouth on his own. almost only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades. So I started including a few for back up. Paci war- 5, Mom-1.

Zippadee Zip Sleeper

We have transitioned from the swaddle to the Zippadee Zip sleeper, AMAZING product, however I only have one. Sooo if we have an accident in the middle of the night, I have to get resourceful. This little sleep sack got us through in a pinch. Things seem to be making a turn around, fingers crossed!

 Rafe decided to through in another curve ball into the mix, and switch to a four hour feeding schedule. I knew that three hour feeding schedule. I trusted it. Just when I get used to one routine, he changes the game on me. Good thing he is so darn cute. Sometimes I could cry just looking at him. Get a grip Mom! 

I struggle to take care of myself when I'm tiered and drained. Fitness takes a back seat. I remind myself there will be plenty of time to focus on me later. I'm not losing anything by taking a few days to rest and recharge. I missed three days of work outs and Monday night I was straight exhausted. I ate a piece of pizza and crawled in bed. I was beating myself up about missing a Monday and eating easy food but life happens. Gotta keep moving forward!

The past weekend, Rafe was baptized in the same church his parents got married in. It was such a special day and we were so fortunate to be surrounded by so many family and friends. Rafe was so well behaved, we have such a sweet little baby on our hands. 

I shared a video on Instagram, of the congregation singing Jesus Loves Me, as our Pastor introduced Rafe to his church family. The moment had my eyes swimming with happy tears. I felt so happy in that moment. Happy oozing out of my life, an incredibly joyous moment that I want to always remember and treasure. That is how I felt in that moment. My immediate reaction was to want to share this moment, that we were lucky enough to have on video, but I came close to not sharing at all. Why? I really hated how I looked in this video. I mean hated how I looked. Immediately, I started picking myself apart. Is this really how I look?

I was letting how I saw myself in a cell phone video color my perception of that moment. I saw a wide load back side, fat around my middle, fat hanging off my bra strap, wild humid hair. A total mess. You wouldn't look as disgusting if you would stand up straight! Geez Leigh Ann, you could at least try. You need to be working harder. You look hideous. Picking myself apart. I would never say the things I said to myself, about myself, to another person. I would never see another person in the same light as I was seeing myself. Why did I do this to myself? So silly. I'm working on being kinder to myself while I try to get back to a more comfortable place with my body. I'm working on being kinder to myself in general. I am really bad about placing a ton of perfect pressure on my own shoulders. I'm sharing these feelings because I think too often we only see the highlight reel. We all want to put the best versions of ourselves forward, and we hide the imperfections. Everyone has bad angles and bad hair days. Those silly imperfections should never have the power to overshadow joyous memories, that would be truly atrocious.

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Thursday, July 14, 2016

I think I can, I think I can

Good morning and Happy Thursday to you!! Checking in today with a little post partum fitness/ weight loss status coming at ya! I finally feel like I'm making some actual quantifiable progress. WOOP WOOP! For the first time since I had Rafe, I am looking forward to my weekly weigh in. This morning I completed my old favorite 55 minute Walk/Run incline routine, at the designated run paces 6.5 & 7.0 intervals. The first time I got back on the treadmill post baby, I was really struggling at 5.0 and 5.5 intervals. I worked my way back up slowly. HIIT routines have been AMAZING in building back up my endurance. Thank you Blonde Ponytail 30 Day Trainer! Just FYI- I don't think Jess at Blonde Ponytail even knows I've recommended her plan here on the blog. I paid for it just like anyone else. The work outs are legit amazing and even come with a food list and a pep talk. Highly recommend! Don't be afraid to get uncomfortable or look stupid at the gym. IDGAF if I look dumb, because I am trying! The best advice I ever received was really super simple Don't worry about all those people, do you. 

Back to completing pre-pregnancy work outs <------ PINCH ME! Not gonna lie, the last 7.0 run section I wanted to give up so very badly, but I pepped talked my way through it. You got this. You can do it. It's just your mind playing tricks on you. Keep moving your feet. You gave birth you can run for one more minute!!! Almost there, almost there, almost there...

So Sweaty and SO PROUD!
I have not been shy about that fact that I have been struggling to get numbers moving, and full disclosure, until I got my Auntie Flow back into rotation (which took a full 3 months) I felt like I was spinning my wheels. Down 3 pounds one week, up two the next, hang out there for another week, down another two, up four the next, back down one SO FRUSTRATING. But now that things are evening out and my body is returning to its normal rhythm, I feel like this week, could be my week. Power of positive thought, I am a believer!

Earlier this week, this AP that I normally love, TimeHop, gave me this gem

Is that really me in there?
My first reaction was ugh, ugh, ugh! I am so far away from this body it seems insurmountable. I actually texted this picture to a few of my nearest and dearest and they all encouraged me to stay focused, it can and will happen again. Props to D "If anyone can do it, it's you". Thanks GF for the reminder, you are one bad B and you can do anything!!!! Yeah! That's right!

How am I gonna do it? Treat each day as an individual effort. Do your best in each day. Fall off the wagon, tomorrow is a new day, don't let bad days multiply. Focus on fitness. Run time don't lie. Last but certainly not least, anytime I feel discouraged, I remind my self that I literally grew this beautiful baby from scratch. How freaking amazing is that?

Don't look so surprised Rafe, you know I'm obsessed with you boo boo
How much do I want to lose? What's the goal? WelpI'm under my pre-Rafe weight however I'm not smaller. First things first, I'd like for my pants to fit again. Once I get there, I'll start worrying more about taking a #flexbreak or if that's even something that is important to me anymore. Time will tell. Pants first. Until then, I'll continue to be creative with dresses and stretchy things 

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Thursday, July 7, 2016

Life with Rafe: The First Three Months

This past weekend we celebrated Rafe's 3 month milestone! 3 months! The "fourth" trimester has come to a close. In some ways it feels like it's been a week since he was born and in others ways it feels like it's been a year. Rafe has been an incredibly easy and happy baby. There have been countless moments when I have felt so overcome with love for this little boy that it moves me to happy tears. The love I have for him is overwhelming and all consuming. When I carry him around with me and his little hand clutches my blouse or my hair, he might as well have his little hand directly around my heart. He is the greatest blessing.

That's not to say we haven't had our fair share of obstacles to overcome. Being a Mother is the most demanding, and exhausting job I have ever had. It's the most important role I will ever fill and my greatest responsibility. I have found myself questioning all of our decisions and second guessing myself frequently. Am I a good Mother? I have yet to meet a Mother who doesn't ask herself that question. 

This Momma has found herself in tears at 3 o'clock in the morning. One time at my wits end, with sheer exhaustion, attached to the breast pump just trying to keep up. The tears streamed down my face as I struggled to articulate why I was so upset. I was upset because no matter how many lactation cookies I ate, or how much Mother's Milk tea I drank, or how frequently he nursed, or how much I pumped, or how much water I drank, I would never produce enough milk for my baby. I cried because I was three days past exhausted. I cried. Oh I cried. Another time, sitting on my bathroom floor dissolved to tears, because we were forced to turn to formula, and it was upsetting my baby's stomach. There have been a handful of stressful days and stressful nights. I have had more conversations regarding poop than I care to admit and I've had to rely on my "village" frequently. We are incredibly fortunate to have such an amazing village. 

Though there have been messy moments, they have been just that. Fleeting moments in time that are replaced by more love and joy than I could have ever fathomed I would get to experience in my life. 

The first month was a challenge for all of us while we sorted out feeding Rafe. I had to give this struggle and guilt over to Jesus. Once we were all full and content, in the second month, we started attempting to tackle more consistent sleep. It's amazing what you can do once you're well rested.

Rafe's baby giggle is music to my ears, and his gummy little grin could literally light up the darkness. Each day he surprises us with something new. He makes me want to appreciate all the little things that I take for granted as I watch him discover simple joys in every day.

Rafe is filling out his 6 months cloths, and the pediatrician says he will be a big guy one day. But for today right now, he's my little bitty baby. I am basking in these blissful baby moments, because I know he won't always want to snuggle on my chest, or love his mornings with Mom. Don't blink, or you'll miss it.

*Rafe's monthly onesies were dreamed up by me, and made a reality by The Patterned Pecan*

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Tuesday, June 28, 2016

6 Week Post Partum Fit Check In

I am now six weeks into post partum fitness and 12 weeks post partum. Whoa. Baby time is light years ahead of pregnant time. Over the last four weeks, we have settled into a much more predicable sleeping pattern with Rafe, which has made my work outs much more predictable, and possible.

This picture just because Rafe's such a little stud
Fitting in Fitness is for sure a challenge <--- understatement.  I'm blessed with a few things that have made fitness at this early stage a possibility for me: an amazing hands on husband, and a baby who sleeps at night (we aren't quite STTN just yet. more on that later).

As I suspected while I was pregnant, I don't want to go to the gym after work. I want to go home and be with my family. Over the last six weeks,I've had to be flexible and patient. I didn't work out everyday. If the work out didn't fit, then well, it didn't fit. Onto the next day. What I have been able to do is make my workouts count.

I've been focusing on a lot of HIIT routines consisting of 20-30 minutes of intense effort. This strategy is paying off! I was able to shave nearly three minutes off my 5k road time in 6 weeks and without logging a bunch of road miles.

I've pulled work outs together from a variety of different resources. Jamie Eason's Post Pregnancy series, Pinterest, and most recently, Blonde Ponytail's 30 Day Trainer.  To measure my progress, once a week, I complete an old favorite 55 Minute Incline Walk/Run routine, increasing my run pace each week. The goal is work back up to designated run pace, and I'm not there yet, but getting close. Last week intervals were 6.3/6.8. The 5 AM Club work outs are fitting in quite nicely. I feel like I am getting so much stronger, my endurance has made leaps and bounds and it shows in the road run times! Feels great to be moving in a 10 minute mile again. Last week I ran ONE mile under a 10 minute pace. Sometimes I can't believe I was ever running half marathons in the 9 minute mile range, but I know what once was can be again, with consistent work and effort. 

                     5k Time 6 Weeks PP on the Left                 5k Time 12 Weeks PP on the Right

Real talk, I'm so glad I have fitness as a focus because the scale and I are not seeing eye to eye. I'm trying my best to be kind to myself as I work on this post patrum body. It's a struggle for me. The more time goes on, the less kind I am able to be to myself. I find myself picking apart my imperfections in the mirrors at the gym or avoiding my reflection all together. I'm focusing on all of my insecurities instead of all of the positives, I do know there are many. 9 months on, 9 months off. I know this. I've honestly forgotten just how trying active weight loss is, and I'm struggle busing.  I do know that if I keep at it, the numbers will come, and my skinny jeans will fit once more. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

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