The long run, it's been a love hate. I love challenging myself. I love proving to myself that I CAN do what I once thought I could never. I love the challenge in the long run. I love chasing the I can't believe I just did that feeling out on the road. The feeling is why I love long distance training. I love all of that good stuff, when I feel prepared. When I know I've done my homework through out the week. I love it when I have company and a run buddy. I love the long run when I'm so excited for my morning run, I have a hard time sleeping the night before. I love the long run when my heart is in the long run.
I hate the long run when I'm unprepared. I hate the long run when I know I'll be alone on the road. I hate the long run when my heart isn't in the distance. Saturday morning, my heart was not in my long run. I had the don't wants. The weather was cold, windy, and rainy. I wanted to stay in bed. I didn't run enough during the week , due to my trip, so I knew I wouldn't perform my best. I also knew it was a mileage building week, so girl you gotta get you ass up outta bed! I also know the best way to begin something you're dreading is to suit up and get going. So that's what I did.
I ate carb heavy through out the day Friday, I purchased a Mophie to solve my cell phone issues, I picked up my new pair of kicks, and by all accounts I was ready for this distance. I had a lot on my mind personally, heading into the run, and I was flat out looking for any excuse to avoid this run. I just didn't want to do it. Why am I telling you this? Because as much as I love running, some days, I really don't even like to run, and this was one of those days. Regardless, 6:30am I was out of bed, chomping on a quest bar, downing some Spark! and thinking, F my fit life.
I wasn't anticipating any help hydration wise, as my husband had returned extremely late the previous evening/morning from a job in Texas. I knew I would well and truly be alone for 17 miles. SEVENTEEN miles. 7:30am- Welp sista better get going!
Water bottle in hand, and I'm out of the door, at half a mile I already have to stop and tie my shoe Is this a sign? Asks my inner negative Nancy? NO, keep running. Le Sigh, this is how this day is gonna go.
Mile One- meh I feel ok. I could go back to bed.
Mile Two- last chance to turn around, you're getting far from home.
Mile Three- I'm so glad I got up and got going!
Mile Four- I can go all day! Legs feel great, rolling into mile five, new route, got lots of water, I am happy!
Mile Five- I love running!!!!!!
Mile Six- All troubles forgotten, two shot blocks in, water refill, and feet are flying
Mile Seven- Heading north....It's a wee bit windy out here
Mile Eight- My hands are so cold, oh shit I'm not even half way done.
Mile Nine- Stop thinking like that or you're going to be miserable for an hour and a half.
AN HOUR AND A HALF!?
Mile Ten- Really? I've run two half marathons. This shouldn't be difficult for me. But it is. I should have run more this week. I'm pissed that I didn't run more this week. Maybe I could try this again tomorrow. Tomorrow? You're going to quit 11 miles into a 17 mile run? Dumbass.
I'm cold. I'm lonely. Why am I doing this? This shit sucks. I want to quit. I'm going to quit. I hate running. But you just bought these new shoes and battery charger, plus you already signed up for the race don't be wasteful. Ok one more mile.
Mile Eleven- Shoot me. I'm dropping out of the marathon.I can't do this. How am I so tired eleven miles in? Water break. Six more miles??? I can't. I just can't do it. Well dumbo you're pretty far from home, so actually you can't quit.
Mile Twelve- I'm in tears. I'm tired. I'm still trying to talk myself into quitting. Five more miles, and it might as well be 20. How am I ever going to do this? How will I ever run a MARATHON?
One mile at a time, and sometimes one step at a time. Just keep moving.
Now I'm mad that I'm crying. I start imagining Tom Hanks saying "There's no crying in baseball"
Now I'm laughing out loud. Maybe I'm having some type of psychotic break.
Well there's something new to think about
Mile Thirteen- Only four miles to go. Keep moving. Keep moving. Keep Moving. I'm not moving terribly slow, but I'm not light on my feet either.
Mile Fourteen- I can start heading back home. I'm going to make it. I'm going to hit 17.....I think.... maybe. Jeez this is one long ass mile!!! I'm back on the main road and I see a man standing there. I know exactly who that is. Praise baby J I NEED a pep talk. 14. 75 miles in. Last water break and Mr. Noel to the rescue.
When I make it to him, word vomit begins erupting from my mouth:
I can't do this, I'm never going to make it, running is stupid, why am I doing this to myself? I'm dropping out of the marathon. I quit. Everything hurts. I can't go another step. I'm just going to stick to half marathons. I mean really? This insane right? Who runs 17 miles? Stupid people that's who.
Then he says....You want more water?
Is he confused? I want to go home!!! I said I quit!
You can't get in the truck.I didn't unload it from the job last night
Whoa. I'm pissed. I think I hate him.
You can do this. My girl doesn't quit. Come on now you didn't run 14.75 mile to quit with 2 and a quarter to go. We got stuff to do today girl, get going!
UGH. Mella drama. I start moving again.
I think I can, I think I can.
He's right. I hate that he's right.
I love that he's right. I'm angry and I'm happy.
I really do love him.
I'm back to thinking about that psychotic break....
Mile Fifteen- I start planing my last two miles. Just two more miles? I'm really going to do this! This is incredible! My pace isn't great but I decide I want to keep this under the three hour mark. New goal in my head, I'm going to do this. One mile at a time.
Mile Sixteen. I can't believe I ran 16 miles. I'm still not entirely certain I'll make it to seventeen. Keep moving, keep moving. I think I've past the wall. Is that what happened? Have I been riding the wall?
I'm feeling incredible. I am the biggest baddest chick that has ever lived. Hear me Roar. This girl is on FIYA! I'm so excited to run the marathon! The Marathon!!! I start thinking about all of the long runs. The weekday runs. All I've already accomplished. I am so proud of myself. The I want to quit feelings, I combated since I first put my foot outside the door that morning, are a forgotten after thought. I am a machine. I love running. I can't wait to run 18 miles next week! 18 Miles! How exciting!
I realize I've made it to 16.75 miles and for the first time, I really believe I will make 17 miles. I'm incredibly happy. Ridiculously happy. Big crocodile tears are running down my cold wind burned cheeks, they don't coincide with my incredulous stupid insane grin smacked across my face. choooo choooo says the hot mess express I can't believe I'm going to make it. I'm sprinting.
I have energy to sprint!
Mile Seventeen- I did it. I'm drunkenly happy off of my run. My entire life has changed. Changed. Just like that. In that moment, nothing else mattered to me, outside of this singular accomplishment. I'm free from the negative feelings that plagued me all morning. I feel happy, confident, and excited about the future. Running has well and truly changed my life. I'm in shock. I really did it, and I know without a doubt, I will do it again.
|I DID IT!!!!|
Bastille's Pompeii pulled me from the trenches of this run:
We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
In your pose as the dust settled around us
And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above
But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
If you close your eyes
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