Today is an off day. A friend of mine said to me when I first started writing this blog, "Don't sensor your thoughts or second guess it. Just hit publish". I'm taking that advice today.
Lately, I've been trying to encourage myself to dig a little deeper. Digging deeper can be scary. It makes me vulnerable and that's not a feeling any of us are inherently comfortable with. I'm on a quest to discover the root of my issues with my body. Lawd knows I have them. I truly feel without identifying the heart of the matter, these issues can not be resolved. Put to bed, so that I can move forward with my life in the most positive ways. I want to stop the yo-yo cycle, and I want it to end with me.
I've spent my life ashamed of my weight in numbers, struggling with insecurity and self doubt, which all stems back to these deeply rooted insecurities with my appearance. I can remember feeling conscience of my appearance as early as four years old. Have I always longed for acceptance? Is it because I'm a born people pleaser? Are these insecurities rooted in my upbringing? Is it because my thoughts are purely skin deep? Is it because the media has taught me that my appearance is my most redeeming quality? It's easy for others to point and declare healthy living/ weight loss blogs to be full of shallow and vain subject matter.
I beg to differ.
As much as we'd like to believe appearances don't matter, they most certainly do. To clarify, it's unimportant how others perceive your appearance. How you perceive your appearance shapes your life.
Your body is your vessel. Your message to world around you. The way you hold yourself projects how others feel they can or can not communicate with you. It dictates to others how they can or can not treat you. If you're feeling insecure or ashamed of your appearance in any way- What message are you sending?
Anyone who feels insecurity in their body can relate to those feelings. If you are intensely insecure with your body, it projects itself into other aspects of your life. Maybe it makes you docile and easily taken advantage of. Maybe it makes you fearful to express your thoughts and beliefs. Maybe it makes you unable to participate in seemingly normal social settings with ease. Maybe it makes you jealous and envious of the perceived perfect friend with her perfect body. Maybe insecurity makes you angry. Angry that this is the hand you've been dealt, to publicly struggle with your body image.
I have been quite literally searching my soul for answers as to why I have had these feelings, ya know my whole life, it's brought me back to a dark place. Things that I will likely never share here, I have no desire to publicly or privately drudge up old negative bullshit. I refuse to let these ancient demons have power over my life presently.
It's also subject matter that makes people uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because it's real and raw. No one wants to admit that bad things have happened to them. Some very bad things have happened to me. Things I do not dwell on in my day to day life. However, despite whatever image I'm projecting here. I think I've given the impression that my life is perfect. Oh tra la la la sunshine and daisies- losing weight is fun! Now I can wear a size four! All of my troubles have ended!
Let me be clear, my life is not perfect, it hasn't been, it isn't, and it never will be. Personally, I feel perfection to be over rated. Perfect is boring. I believe our imperfections are what make us truly beautiful. Both our intrinsic imperfections as well as the exterior. It's the imperfections that attract us to one another. It's the way friendships are forged and strengthened. It's what makes families strong. Everything that is imperfect about me, is why my husband loves me. It's why my friends love me and know come hell or high water, this chick has got your back. It's why my family is thick as thieves. We protect each others imperfections.
All of these relationships are imperfect and flawed. It's what makes them beautiful. It's what makes them real. I don't mean When people stop being polite and start getting real, I define a real relationship as a tangent one. One in which we are totally free to be who we are, without fear of rejection or judgement. In order for relationships to be real, we must be real with ourselves.
I've learned to confidently embrace my imperfect. My real. It makes me, well me.
Weight loss has come with confidence. Confidence in my life in all aspects. Confidence at work, confidence in my relationships with family and friends, and lastly confidence in my appearance. I finally feel I'm projecting the way I have always felt on the inside, on the outside.
All of these things make us productive adults. Qualities that enable us to live our best life. They are qualities I want to pass on to my own children. I want to lead my future by setting the example in the present. Where the hell is she going with this?
I won't solve all of my body image issues with this post. I won't solve your body images issues with this post. My hope is that together, we can be kinder and more accepting of each other as individuals so that more people feel comfortable with the uncomfortable and accepting of what's real.
If you're struggling with any of these feelings of insecurity or self acceptance, you aren't alone. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Know that your imperfections are beautiful too. You deserve to live your best life, and don't let ANYONE ever let you feel you don't deserve exactly what you want.
My dig a little deeper quota has now been filled for the week. Work outs tomorrow, yes? Happy Tuesday!