Those closest to me knew how I felt about my life. There are times I wonder how my girlfriends dealt with my constant self battering. They got the worst of it. Yet, they never made me feel guilty when crying about my self hatred. The clinical word is depressed. I had just graduated from College, I was engaged, I had a budding career, and I was absolutely miserable. Some days I would wake up and think "Is this really MY life?". This can't be MY body. How did this happen to me?
When my weight reached it's peak, I really hated my present. I couldn't wait to lose weight, so I could start living my life. In my mind, the life I was living wasn't worthy of joy, because I was over weight. I had all of my self worth wrapped up in a number on the scale, a pant size, the way I looked in pictures. Every time I'd hear some comment about another person's weight, specifically the word fat, I'd think, I wonder what they think about me.
Constantly conscience of my appearance, and always wondering what other people thought of me. They must think I'm disgusting human being to be so young and overweight like this, that's certainly the way I felt about myself.
I wish I could go back and tell myself I was worthy of happiness. I wish I could tell myself how beautiful I was. That I was a gorgeous person on the inside and the outside. I wish I could tell myself my weight was not my defining characteristic. No one was judging me as harshly as I was judging myself, and if they were, that said a whole lot more about them, than of me.
I wish I could tell myself to enjoy being engaged. I wish I wouldn't have cried alone in the dressing room after picking out my wedding gown, because I had to order a size 20. I was humiliated. Instead of being elated at Saying Yes to the Dress, I was depressed at the number. I just knew I would be an ugly bride. I needed a hug, but I was too proud to ask for one. Instead, I slapped a fake smile on my face, hating every second of the experience. In truth, the year I got married, was the most stressful year of my life to date.
I wish I could tell myself to stop working so hard to please everyone else, take a look at myself and make her a priority. I firmly believe that no relationship you have, is more important than the one you have with yourself. Loving yourself, making yourself a priority, will enrich all of your other relationships. Really loving you, will make your life rich with happiness.
After my a-ha moment, and the weight started coming off, I started caring more about me. I began loving myself. I started making myself a priority. I stopped giving a shit what other people thought about me.
It was liberating.
I finally began to enjoy living MY life. Enjoying my LIFE. I wish I would've enjoyed my life then. That's the biggest thing I would tell myself. You are worthy of living your best life, regardless of your pant size. Life doesn't start 20 pounds from now. Your weight doesn't define you. Your attitude and actions define you. Be happy. You'll never get these moments back.
For the first time in my life, I am embracing this stage that I am in. I'm finally happy. I'm not looking into the future itching for the next stage. I'm living in the now.
If I Knew Then What I Know Now, I'd tell myself to enjoy all of my nows. Right NOW, is awesome. Right NOW is fabulous. Life is happening right freaking NOW. Love yourself! You are a beautiful human being, and that's something numbers will NEVER define.