Weight loss has changed how I view other people, people I thought I would never want to get along with again, and really that's all I want. All I'm asking for, to get along. I wish we could have a dance off or fight it out over a game of shuffle board, but it just doesn't work that way. People can be mad, for a long long time, but I can't. I hate that someone out there hates me. I hate it. It eats me up inside. Especially since I do not hate anyone. Those of you who don't know me have no idea where I'm going with this, I'm sorry, but I have to get this out. It's eating me up inside. I have to pull a Nancy Clue and suck out the poison.
When you lose a lot of weight, and your body changes, a lot of other things change too. You find yourself happier and looking for resolutions of old wounds. When your body changes, people just see the outward appearance, but they can't see what happens inside. Losing all this weight has changed me. Being happy with myself, has made it easy for me to be happy with others. It's made it easier to let go of things that once made me so mad, I couldn't see straight. I couldn't see the big picture. Last November, I had someone that I was incredibly close with say to me "You will not achieve your goal. You don't have that body type." And well, it pissed me off. It made me so mad I thought about it every single damn day at the gym. Just an FYI- it's never a good idea to say this to someone who is trying to change their life, but really I guess I should thank her. My anger fuelled me. For months.
Looking back, I think she was trying to tell me that she thought I looked good as I was, that she liked me as I was, that I didn't need for my fitness and weight loss goals to consume my life. I think she was trying to be comforting and it back fired, because I was so unhappy with myself. That simple phrase consumed my thoughts. It ate apart our relationship. We are no longer friends, and the conflict rolled around and it kept getting worse and worse and it blew up, "it" has become out of control. Big time. I don't think I can fix it, but I need to heal. I need to forgive myself. All of you readers have encouraged me to "keep it real" and this is real. As real as it gets. You want to know about weight loss. Here it is, all of it.
Weight loss is something that's incredibly personal to me. I can not emphasise enough just how personally invested I am in my weight loss. It's an emotional journey I've been on, "finding myself" if you will. Anyone who has lost a lot of weight, will tell you that. Changing your body will change your life. Not everyone will like the new you, not everyone will be supportive. We're all dealing with our own insecurities, each and every one of us, and for me, this journey if you will, has really brought it all out. It is what it is. This weight loss journey has cost me some friends. I've done things I'm not proud of. Never intentionally or maliciously, but I hurt some people that I really care about. I can't avoid them and just move on because we swim in the same circle of friends. EVERYONE knows about it, everyone asks me about it, (I have to just call the conflict "it" because I don't want to make anyone more mad) Every time they're around this air of awkward swarms around me. I've been avoiding social situations in which they will be there, because I know myself. I'm a talker. When I drink, it just gets worse, because I so desperately want resolution. A conclusion. Something. Anything. Silence is deafening.
I hate avoiding someone I was once so close with. It's beyond ridiculous to me. I do get it though, just because I'm in resolution mode, doesn't mean everyone else is. The conflict drawer has been rattling away in the back of brain every single day. Sometimes you just have to say what you've got to say. I can't be mad forever. I just can't. Well last night, I fell into the awkward. I just embraced it. It wasn't welcomed, because well, I really hurt these people, but I sucked up my pride, and flew my awkward flag. It didn't feel good, I'm not sure I feel good about it now, but I kicked open a door. I am flying my peace flag. I feel like laying my soul bare. Just scrubbing the shit out of it and getting it over with.
If you just happen to be reading this, and you know who YOU are.
I love you. I'm sorry.
Shit that was scary. Back to your regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.
Now I'm going to go ride my bicycle and talk to Jesus. Therapy is expensive.
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