Sunday, November 25, 2012

Let it GO

Epic Fail. I've done well with my dieting and excerise the last few days but not so much with my drinking. Something about the holidays makes me want to drink. A lot. Maybe it's because I don't have to wake up and go to work. Anywho, this is a judgement free zone people. Today I want to talk about something people don't really like to talk about. Conflicts and resolutions. I'm trying this new thing where I'm just open and honest about everything, it's been working really well, so here goes nothing.

Weight loss has changed how I view other people, people I thought I would never want to get along with again, and really that's all I want. All I'm asking for, to get along. I wish we could have a dance off or fight it out over a game of shuffle board, but it just doesn't work that way. People can be mad, for a long long time, but I can't. I hate that someone out there hates me. I hate it. It eats me up inside. Especially since I do not hate anyone. Those of you who don't know me have no idea where I'm going with this, I'm sorry, but I have to get this out. It's eating me up inside. I have to pull a Nancy Clue and suck out the poison. 

When you lose a lot of weight, and your body changes, a lot of other things change too. You find yourself happier and looking for resolutions of old wounds. When your body changes, people just see the outward appearance, but they can't see what happens inside. Losing all this weight has changed me. Being happy with myself, has made it easy for me to be happy with others. It's made it easier to let go of things that once made me so mad, I couldn't see straight. I couldn't see the big picture. Last November, I had someone that I was incredibly close with say to me "You will not achieve your goal. You don't have that body type." And well, it pissed me off. It made me so mad I thought about it every single damn day at the gym. Just an FYI- it's never a good idea to say this to someone who is trying to change their life, but really I guess I should thank her. My anger fuelled me. For months.

Looking back, I think she was trying to tell me that she thought I looked good as I was, that she liked me as I was, that I didn't need for my fitness and weight loss goals to consume my life. I think she was trying to be comforting and it back fired, because I was so unhappy with myself.  That simple phrase consumed my thoughts. It ate apart our relationship. We are no longer friends, and the conflict rolled around and it kept getting worse and worse and it blew up, "it" has become out of control. Big time. I don't think I can fix it, but I need to heal. I need to forgive myself. All of you readers have encouraged me to "keep it real" and this is real. As real as it gets. You want to know about weight loss. Here it is, all of it.

Weight loss is something that's incredibly personal to me. I can not emphasise enough just how personally invested I am in my weight loss. It's an emotional journey I've been on, "finding myself" if you will. Anyone who has lost a lot of weight, will tell you that. Changing your body will change your life. Not everyone will like the new you, not everyone will be supportive. We're all dealing with our own insecurities, each and every one of us, and for me, this journey if you will, has really brought it all out. It is what it is. This weight loss journey has cost me some friends. I've done things I'm not proud of. Never intentionally or maliciously, but I hurt some people that I really care about. I can't avoid them and just move on because we swim in the same circle of friends. EVERYONE knows about it, everyone asks me about it, (I have to just call the conflict "it" because I don't want to make anyone more mad) Every time they're around this air of awkward swarms around me. I've been avoiding social situations in which they will be there, because I know myself. I'm a talker. When I drink, it just gets worse, because I so desperately want resolution. A conclusion. Something. Anything. Silence is deafening.

I hate avoiding someone I was once so close with. It's beyond ridiculous to me. I do get it though, just because I'm in resolution mode, doesn't mean everyone else is. The conflict drawer has been rattling away in the back of brain every single day. Sometimes you just have to say what you've got to say. I can't be mad forever. I just can't. Well last night, I fell into the awkward. I just embraced it. It wasn't welcomed, because well, I really hurt these people, but I sucked up my pride, and flew my awkward flag. It didn't feel good, I'm not sure I feel good about it now, but I kicked open a door. I am flying my peace flag. I feel like laying my soul bare. Just scrubbing the shit out of it and getting it over with.

If you just happen to be reading this, and you know who YOU are.

I love you. I'm sorry.

Shit that was scary. Back to your regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

Now I'm going to go ride my bicycle and talk to Jesus. Therapy is expensive.

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  1. Thank you for sharing. I am going through a similar situation in my life right now. It seems the holidays always exaggerates everything because you are FORCED to be with people that you are having conflicts with. I am so nervous about Christmas but I have extended apologies to the parties involved and they have not been received nor reciprocated. I have done my part so I have no reason to feel awkward-- but I know I still will. Anyway, thanks for sharing :)

  2. Beautiful effort to reach out, Elle!! This post is so raw and real. We've all been in this shitty awkward position at some point, but I promise it does get better! Thank you so much for baring your heart for all of your readers. You're a wonderful person and I have the utmost respect for you and the journey you've been on. Sending happy and peaceful wishes your way today and every day! XO :)

  3. I am proud of you for sharing this with your readers and making yourself (even more) vulnerable. I can attest to the cleansing nature of sucking out the poison. Hopefully your relationship can be rekindled and you can reconnect one day. If not, that's okay too because you've said your peace. Thank you for always being raw, honest, and real. Love you sweet girl! xoxo

  4. Wow, this took a lot of strength to write! The fact that you put it out there for all of us to see plus (hopefully) the other party says a good deal about you. You are proving that you are a normal person who has tiffs with friends too. You are proving that you aren't perfect and this thing called life is a journey. I know that it is hard when you change your life habits and you lose some people along the way. And, that is ok. Everyone is placed in our life for a reason and maybe this person was placed in yours to be the driving force to get you where you have gotten today. If I was closer to you we could do like Nancy Clue and dance it out!

    1. I think we need a Skype party to dance it out together! ;)

  5. Leigh Ann.... In true blogger fashion, your posts just keep getting better and better. This is my favorite posts of yours to date. And I love it for many reasons... 1. You are a people pleaser or people please like me person, like myself. 2. You DO have that body and that has been proven. :) 3. Sometimes our freak flags just gotta fly! 4. We need to have a stiff drink together.


  6. Oh, sweet girl, I think at some point in time all of us have been there! I'm like you I do not like for someone to hate me. It may have felt awkward to put yourself out there like that but it is the first step in healing. Even if the other party doesn't respond the way you'd hope, you did what you could do.
    "If at all possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men" Romans 12:18
    I hope everything works out for the best.

  7. This is amazing. We're all allowed to make mistakes (and it sounds like you weren't the only one to do so in this situation). You took the first step to make it right, and even if nothing comes of what you did, at least you know that you've done what you could!

    And you know what? I think that when we lose weight, we feel like we have to be the bigger, more forgiving person because things are finally going right for us (physically, at least). But the fact is that losing weight is PAINFUL. Losing weight means publicly admitting over and over that you weren't happy with your body before--and not in a light, self-deprecating, "I'm a fat girl" way, but in a more vulnerable, genuine way. It's hard, and what's harder is that a lot of people feel like they can say whatever they want to you about your weight loss. So I don't know what happened with your friends, but I just want you to know that you don't always have to take it on the chin and put all the blame on yourself. Because you freaking rock!